I spent the first part of my day traveling by air from Abilene to St. Louis. I don’t much like traveling by air, but it is so often the quickest and most convenient way to go. Traveling by air brings up all kinds of control issues for me. Of course, control issues are usually grounded in all our childhood stuff, or more specifically, our childhood fears. I know mine are. These are not the tangible fears of childhood, like the monsters under the bed or tornadoes. These are the intangible fears of being left behind, fears of not being loved, fears of losing the people you most need, those kinds of fears.

airport runningI am prone to want to get to the airport about 3 days early. Just to be certain of being on time. I have missed a couple of flights, and it’s no fun. Also, gone are the days when I ran down the corridor of Love Field, guitar in one hand, suitcase in the other, in hopes of making it to the gate on time. Now you have no give in the schedule. You are either checked in and at the gate on time, or sorry Charlie. But it’s not that. It is fear that runs deeper than merely missing the plane. That can usually be fixed.  It’s a whole bunch of fears rolled together. The fear of disappointing, of not showing up, of looking foolish, of not looking responsible, of inconveniencing others. You get the idea. It is only when I am at the airport, early, sitting in a relaxing seat with a cup of coffee with nothing but time to waste that I can relax, because at that point, the rest is out of my control.

And that’s it. Until that moment I am either in the terminal and ready, or I am in my seat on the plane, I cannot truly relax, because I feel responsible. Any number of things could go wrong and I would somehow be responsible. I could have a flat on the way to the airport. I could encounter construction. My engine could blow up or I could have an accident. Until all those things are taken off my plate, I feel responsible.

Lest you think I am indeed certifiable, I have gotten better. At least I have gotten better on the outside. Few would recognize my anxiety just by looking. These are fears I have been working on giving up.

Today, I got to the airport early enough so that when I had to repack all my stuff at security and go back to the ticket counter because my boarding pass did not print well at home, I did not panic. I had enough layover time at DFW to enjoy a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll. When we all had to sit on the plane for more than an hour because of a mechanical problem, I was completely content, because it was not my responsibility.

I haven’t dug deeply enough to get to the roots of all my fears, and I probably wouldn’t share those in this format, but I do know that early on I felt responsible for things that were way above my pay grade and age. There are moments when those fears comes through loud and clear, and air travel is one of those moments. More about those childhood things later, because we all have them.