just enough light

Mandate: “Don’t be lazy.”

Corollary: “Stay busy. If you aren’t busy, look busy.”

I’m not sure if “Don’t be lazy” was a spoken mandate, but I certainly internalized it as a driving force in my daily routine. During childhood, my brothers and I were active, always up to something. And my parents were busy, Mom with all the demands of a family of seven, Dad with the demands of a church congregation. The only real down time for the family was dinner and just before bedtime when we gathered for family devotions.

That was also in the day when television did not dominate the evening. Sitting inert in front of a screen was not an option. It was a special occasion. And even with TV playing, there was usually a wrestling match going on somewhere in the room.

In the midst of all that, the message was clear. Be busy, and if you’re not, at least look busy. That message comes with some clear benefits. Other people like active, busy people. They hire them. They want to be around them. The assumption is busy people are more interesting, not boring, not lazy.

However, it also comes with some liabilities. Parker Palmer writes that much of his energy is spent on “the inventions of an agitated mind.” That rang true for me. Much, perhaps most, of my busyness is the product of an agitated mind, a mind focused on being busy or look busy rather than being invested in something chosen purposefully

I use the term “scurrying” to describe when I am busy but unfocused. I am like an enclosed critter scurrying around from corner to corner, not getting anywhere but expending a lot of energy. This is both physical phenomenon and mental. In fact, I scurry much more mentally than I do physically, jumping from one thing to another, engaged in an endless debate about what I should be doing. A perpetual motion machine with gears and levers working, lights blinking, making humming noises, but accomplishing nothing.

I physically scurry much less than I used to, but my mental scurrying is still well developed. I have found that I can settle and focus better when I trick myself. If I have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, depending on the time of day, that is enough “busyness” to allow me to sit, relax, and not be driven by my agitated mind. I used to smoke an occasional cigar. That, too, allowed me to feel busy without being busy. When I have a fire in the chimnea, I can sit and poke the fire and watch it and not be busy.

Funny, but when I am focused and doing a thing on purpose, I do not feel busy. I feel productive or creative. In fact, I don’t have to evaluate what I’m doing. I’m just doing it. It’s only when I am reacting to my agitated mind that I feel busy, or I need to pretend to be busy.