just enough light

My continued series about unloading my wagon of emotional baggage:

“Don’t disappoint others.” This was one of many mandates I internalized during my childhood. This comes from my earliest role and my perceived job in the family. That’s the subject of a bunch of writing I don’t have time for now. This need to not disappoint others took many forms ranging from a general demand to be nice to a more specific need to make good grades.

Learning not to disappoint others carries with it lots of perks. People love a kid, or an adult, who will say “Yes” to almost anything. This mandate also created lots of situations where I said, “Yes,” and went on to resent the person and despise the task I agreed to. While my voice was saying, “Yes,” because that’s what I was supposed to say, every other part of my being was saying, “Hell, no.”

I have learned over time to say “No” to some things. I have learned that it pays to give myself a few minutes (or days) before giving a response when I sense an inner conflict. That allows me time to check out my real desire, my schedule, my attitude, and lots of other things that go into agreeing to do something. I’m must better at saying, “I’ll get back later and let you know.” When I do that, I’m much better at saying, “No, but thanks.”

Just this weekend, I got one of those “opportunities” to help someone with a task I didn’t really want to do. I gave my “I’ll get back to you” response and thought about it. Eventually I agreed to help, but before I did that, I came to an agreement with myself. If I am going to do this, I have to do it on purpose. I have to do it knowing what I’m getting into, with full willingness to get into it. I also decided I would not whine about it once I’m in it. The whining and wishing for it to be over is a sure sign I am being pushed along by my mandate.

The willingness to get into it and give it my best effort, on purpose, makes a huge difference to me. It becomes MY job. When I do it on purpose rather than avoid disappointing others, I can be more fully present in the work. In fact, I am going back to work later this morning, and I am looking forward to it.

I continue to unload the fear of disappointing others from my wagon. I suspect like most things, it will be a life-long project, but I am learning that disappointing others is not the worst thing in the world, for me or for them. They often have less invested in my response than I do. To them, it is just a request. I’m the one who makes it a mandate. I’m the one who pins my own sense of worth and well-being on the situation. But I’m getting better. I have said “No” many times now and lived to tell about it.