stop sexual asssalt“Sexual assault is terrible, but it doesn’t really affect me.”                         -Most Men

We men find it pretty easy to distance ourselves from sexual violence. We assume it only affects those few women who talk about their experiences. We know sexual assault should not happen to anyone, but until it happens to someone we know, we don’t generally feel any responsibility for action. We may support all the women who march, but deep down we are glad it didn’t happen to our loved ones, and too often we still think it happened to many of those marching because of something they did or didn’t do.

Since we didn’t do anything and since nothing has happened to the women we love, we can keep our distance from any responsibility.

Well, men, it’s not that simple. We are not unaffected, and we are not without responsibility.

In the recent Supreme Court confirmation process, the hearing devolved into a “he said, she said” argument about sexual assault. The confirmation got muddled and nasty, and the big issues of sexual assault and of the integrity of the Supreme Court got lost in the struggle for which side would win the final vote. The vote to support Kavanaugh became a delegitimizing of Dr. Ford’s experience.

As the dust from the confirmation hearings settled, those two issues have taken a back seat to other political concerns. Yet, few things are more corrosive to our social fabric and our political process than the sexual mistreatment of half of our population. And men, whether we acknowledge it or even recognize it, we are affected as well.

Just a few some statistics:

  • Every 96 seconds, someone in this country is sexually assaulted.
  • That’s 321,500 people in a year.
  • 1 in 6 women has been or will be a victim of rape or attempted rape.
  • 1 in 3 women has been or will be victim of some kind of sexual assault.
  • 7 in 10 of those women will know her attacker.
  • 57% of perpetrators are White. 27% are Black.
  • Regarding children, 1 in 3 girls, and 1 in 5 boys is victim to some form of inappropriate sexual contact. Most by someone they know.

But this is not about statistics. This is about something that affects us all. Following the Kavanaugh hearings, my wife, Judy, said, “I need to tell you some things.” She does not consider herself a victim of sexual assault, but she related to me three stories of being terrified and helpless, once as a child, once as a teenager, and once as a young adult. All involved sexual situations and left her feeling completely powerless to do anything. She never told anyone of those incidents, but they each have prompted her to go about her daily life in different, more defensive ways.

Those events happened 40, 50, and 60 years ago, but she was shaking as she told me. I suspect each of us would get similar stories from our wives, sisters, and daughters.

Think about your own experience with the women you encounter each week. For example, last week I attended church. As I looked around at the 150 women present, I thought, at least 1/3 of them have experienced some kind of frightening sexual assault, and likely a vast majority of them have experienced something of an unwanted and terrifying sexual nature that has affected the way they go about their daily lives.

If you work at an office that employs women, or if you have women clients, the same statistic holds. If you attend a family gathering, you can be sure that the same statistics hold for your female cousins, sisters, nieces, daughters and granddaughters.

Are we as men affected by sexual assault? Yes, because those women whom we love have modified their lives in order to protect themselves, usually in ways we don’t even realize. And a woman does not have to be a survivor of sexual assault to be affected by it.

Jackson Katz, social researcher, has done an exercise with audiences many times where he asks men and women what they do on a daily basis to prevent themselves from being sexually assaulted.

First he asks the men to respond to the question. “At first there is a kind of awkward silence as the men try to figure out if they’ve been asked a trick question. The silence gives way to a smattering of nervous laughter. Occasionally, a young a guy will raise his hand and say, ‘I stay out of prison.’ This is typically followed by another moment of laughter, before someone finally raises his hand and soberly states, ‘Nothing. I don’t think about it.’”

Then, he asks the women, and they have plenty to say. “As the men sit in stunned silence, the women recount safety precautions they take as part of their daily routine.”

In no time the board is filled with the women’s responses. It includes such typical measures as holding car keys as a potential weapon, avoiding being out alone at night, make sure I see my drink being poured and never leave a drink unattended, using a male voice on the answering machine, not wearing headphones while walking or jogging, not using parking garages or highway rest areas, not getting on an elevator where there is only one man or group of men, avoid eye contact with a man on the street, never rent a first-floor apartment, always meet for a first date in a public place — the list goes on. “Because this is what we do. This is how we live and how our mothers lived and how their mothers lived — this is normal.”

We men can go about our lives with every expectation of physical safety. Women absolutely can’t, and if they do, and the unthinkable happens, they know they will be blamed for it. “What were you doing out so late? What were you wearing? Why didn’t you take more precautions?”

The reality of sexual assault affects every woman, even those who have never been victimized. Consequently, it affects all of us, even when we are unaware.

And with awareness comes responsibility: to take it seriously, to see that others are aware, to see that it doesn’t happen in your workplace, to make sure it is not a joking matter, to see that it does not disappear from your awareness and your sensitivity just because it is not in the news this week.