just enough light

I awoke at 3:30 this morning and was unable to get back to sleep. My mind started working. I had several thoughts about the chatter I’ve been describing, and then I recalled a time when I was able to distinguish between the chatter and something deeper. So I got up and wrote part of this. The rest I finished later in the morning when I was a bit more awake.

In the spring of 1992 (it’s hard to believe that is almost 25 years ago) Judy and I faced a decision that we knew would change the direction of our lives. We had the opportunity to move to another state and to move my work into more of a private practice. We labored over the decision for months but could not come to a clear decision one way or the other. There were pros and cons to either decision, and we took turns deciding to move or to stay. We never arrived at the same conclusion at the same time. It was frankly an excruciating time for us. We even sold our house on the assumption that we were moving. But then the doubts set in again.

At one point I told Judy I was going to spend the day at Homer Lake and sit with the decision until something came clear for me. She assured me that she trusted me with the process, so off I went. I spent hours sitting on a wooden bench bolted to a small fishing pier. I walked around and enjoyed the scenery. I sat in silence. I talked out loud. I prayed for relief. I fumed. I cried.

I listened to the chatter all day thinking I would eventually find a resolution. The chatter led me to one conclusion, but then would jump to the other side and come to the other conclusion. I redecided the future for me and my family a dozen times over the course of the day.

If we listen to the chatter, if we follow it, we eventually realize there are no solutions, no clarifications, because the chatter never clearly defines the problem. The chatter is the problem.

It is just energy-depleting, focus-inhibiting, clutter-producing chatter. It seduces us into listening and believing that with time the chatter will lead us to a wise conclusion.

At some point late that afternoon I recognized another movement going on deep below the chatter. It was a more like a quiet current of thought running through almost unnoticed because my attention was on listening to all the compelling arguments of the chatter, thinking it would come to some logical conclusion.

I stopped and noticed that while I was preoccupied with the chatter, a deep current of thought had been moving. These thoughts were forming an image of what I needed to do in my current work situation and family situation. None of those things involved fixing anything or working harder or uprooting and starting over.

All the chatter was based on contrived fears of outcomes I could not control or anticipate. Those deeper currents included legitimate fears that I had to accept as part of the decision package.

I believe that it ultimately did not matter if I decided to stay or move. There would be fears, unknowns, complications, and opportunities with either decision. There was no “right” choice to make. However, once I paid attention to that deeper need, I was able to identify which decision fit me better. I decided to stay put, and I was at peace with the risks/opportunities and fears/certainties that came with that decision.

The chatter will never reveal a wise choice. Its purpose is to give the illusion of comfort and control, when in fact, it compounds the confusion by keeping us distracted from our deeper inner wisdom.

Sidebar: I know I have not directly talked about God so far. Shouldn’t God be a part of Lent? That is intentional on my part, but it’s coming. For me it’s not as simple as saying, “God led me…”