just enough light

You’ve seen that text ribbon that scrolls across the bottom of the TV screen. It has news items or basketball scores or Dow Jones numbers. It is small and unobtrusive, but it takes up part of the screen and part of my attention. It detracts from what I am watching. My attention is split.

That happens in my mind all the time. When I stop and pay attention, I recognize that there is a constant monologue going on in my head. It is a monologue that sometimes is in line with what I am thinking or doing, but often, like the text scrolling across the bottom of the screen, it has little or nothing to do with what I am trying to watch. I hope I’m not the only one.

It’s like I have an annoying friend whom I am responsible for taking care of. I can’t leave him behind, so he follows me everywhere. And he has the attention span of a gnat and NEVER stops talking.

“What a gorgeous day. Boy I’m gonna miss this in August when it’s hotter than hell. Hey, look at that convertible. Great day for a ride. What kind of car I would get if money weren’t an object. I’d get cars to suit my mood for the day. These shoes are feeling tight. I wonder if I locked the front door when I left…” And the monologue goes on and on. No matter what I am doing, the voice just keeps chattering, jumping from subject to subject, an unending word salad buffet. I remember Bill Moyers saying that paying attention to the voice in his head was like watching a monkey jump from tree to tree.

As a psychotherapist, I used a variety of focusing activities with clients, particularly anxious ones, to help them recognize the inner chatter. We can do nothing with our inner chatter until we recognize it, and stillness is the best way to recognize it.

Meditation and prayer is difficult precisely because once we get still, take a few deep breaths, and settle into our first calming moments, we confront that inner chatter. “So far so good, I hope I can stay relaxed. How long will I do this? When will I know 15 minutes is up? I just need to remember that phone call at 8:30. OK, back to relaxation. Am I sitting in the right position? I should probably uncross my legs…”

If you are like me, it takes me some time to recognize the chatter is going on, because it is so much a part of my mental process every moment. Once I recognize it, I may start another layer of chatter. “Gotta stop chattering. Need to shut up and pay attention.  After all, I’m meditating.  I have 8 minutes to go…”

Here’s the good news. We do not have to stop the chatter. We don’t have to make the text ribbon stop scrolling. Because we can’t. It serves a purpose that feels absolutely vital. Until I recognize its purpose, I can’t ignore it. So for now, in those quiet moments, all I have to do is notice it. Let it roll.  Notice that it jumps around and goes nowhere. That’s important to realize. That will come in handy later when we finally decide we can stop listening to it.

Enjoy the stillness, notice the chatter.