just enough light

I did some high level research into the topic of frustration over the past few days. You know, the same kind of research most of us do these days, I Googled it. I did more than that, but that was part of my research. What I found under the heading of “coping with frustration” was a helpful list of more than a dozen activities, including breathing exercises, yoga, take a walk, listen to music, do something creative.

Each of the suggestions had a common feature; pay attention. Breathing and walking and all the rest suggest being in the moment at hand. Frustration is my signal that I have abandoned the moment. I have chosen instead to fret about something beyond that moment and beyond my control.

My psychotherapy clients were always good teachers for me. One in particular taught me an important lesson. We had met weekly for several months and I knew his situation well. His concerns were real. They would have created stress for anyone; health concerns, financial worries, family conflict, job uncertainty. Each week it seemed he had a new focus of concern to add to the list.

One day I suggested we put all of the concerns “out there” aside and instead focus solely on our interaction at that moment. We each took a few deep breaths, I suggested he bring as much of his attention into the room, into the moment we had together. He did that. After a few deep breaths we talked about what it was like to have a few moments of just being together without the burden of focusing on problems. For the next several minutes, every time he mentally strayed into onto one of his worries “out there,” I suggested he take another breath and rejoin me in the room.

In the midst of those minutes together, I asked him, “Is there anything that is lacking in your life at this moment?” He paused, cocked his head a bit, took a breath, smiled, and said, “No.”

Of course, moments like that don’t fix things “out there.” But many of those things out there, while not beyond our worry, are beyond our control at that moment. Those concerns may still need attention and action at some point, but I am more likely to make clear choices and take effective action when I am truly paying attention to the moment at hand.

“Joy is being willing for things to be as they are.” This is a quote from one of my go-to books, Nothing Special by Charlotte Joko Beck. Joy is being fully in this moment, not expecting things to be other than they are. Frustration is expecting that this moment should be different than what it is.